Observe When I Am Dead
by Augment
Summary: Kuma offers Zoro a slightly different deal.


**NOTES:**

_Hagakure_ is a practical and spiritual guide for a samurai warrior, written in the early 18th century by Yamamoto Tsunetomo (transcribed by Tashiro Tsuramoto). Putting aside the whole Wano arc (because the bulk of this fic was written before the arc began), I submit to you the following quotes for comparison:

"The way of the warrior is the way of death." Tsunetomo, _Hagakure_, 1-2.

"When I decided to follow my dream, I had already discarded my life." Roronoa Zoro, _One Piece_, Chapter 49.

The full reference for the edition of _Hagakure _I used is: Tsunetomo, Yamamoto. 2014. _Hagakure: The Secret Wisdom of the Samurai_. Translated by Alexander Bennett. Tokyo: Tuttle Publishing.

Do understand that I am not subtle.

* * *

_To summarize the essence of samuraihood, first and foremost the warrior must be devoted body and soul to his lord. (2-7)_

* * *

"It seems Monkey D. Luffy's crew is quite devoted to him."

Zoro looks down to where Sanji's unconscious body lies amongst the rubble, and then up to the giant bear robot that towers above him.

"Yes," he says.

"And yet you think it is not the cook's place, to lay his head down for his captain, but yours?"

Zoro's knuckles whiten where he grips the hilt of the white sword. "The cook thinks he's worth less. His sacrifice would be worth less."

Kuma's soulless eyes glint as he looks down on Zoro. "He is a good fighter."

Zoro raises an eyebrow slightly. "I didn't say he _was _worthless. Despite what the idiot thinks the crew needs him. And he's not ready to die."

"But you are."

"When I decided to follow my dream, I had already discarded my life," Zoro says, echoing the words he'd spoken at the Baratie.

"You discard your life for your captain's dream, however."

"It's the same thing." Zoro's jaw clenches. "If you're satisfied, I'd like to get on with it."

Kuma's head turns to the side with a click, regarding the horizon. Then he rotates back to look at Zoro.

"You will take your captain's pain. The full extent of the damage he has received today, on top of your own injuries, should kill you," Kuma informs Zoro, in an inflectionless voice.

Zoro swallows. Though he's prepared to die, he has no intention of surrendering easily. But Luffy's fight with Moria had been brutal, and Zoro is already exhausted, his power little more than a flicker. It might well kill him.

Kuma uses his devil fruit to draw out Luffy's pain. As the red bubble grows, the frown on Luffy's face eases, until he's sleeping peacefully. Kuma extracts a small piece of the bubble and sends it towards Zoro.

"Perhaps you might want to change your mind," Kuma says, as the pain hits Zoro.

The breath is shocked out of Zoro's lungs, and his eyesight blurs. A throbbing headache overtakes him, and the muscles in his arms and legs lock painfully in protest.

Kuma gives him a few moments to catch his breath.

"Let me choose the spot," Zoro says, voice cracking.

Kuma nods his head in acquiescence, and Zoro walks off. He leaves the white sword behind. Kuma follows Zoro to the deserted clearing with steady, giant steps. They reach the centre, and Zoro squares his shoulders and turns to face Kuma.

"This will leave its mark on you," Kuma says, placing the paw print bubble before Zoro. "You have accepted your captain's pain; you will die so that he may live. Do you understand what this means?"

Zoro had promised Luffy that he'd never lose again. He has the will to fight; whether it's strong enough remains to be seen. "If I can't protect my captain, then my own dream is worthless. I accept the exchange."

Kuma nods once, and Zoro steps forward and plunges both his hands into Kuma's bubble.

* * *

_All that matters is having single-minded purpose, in the here and now. Life is an ongoing succession of 'one will' at a time, each and every moment. … Your life will become simple and clear if you are unwavering in purpose, knowing that 'now' is the time to act. Loyalty is a virtue born of this state of mind. (2-17)_

* * *

Zoro fully intends to survive. His will has gotten him this far – it's how he survived being cut in half by Mihawk, how he learned to cut steel – and he _will _survive.

To do otherwise would be losing. And this is something Luffy would _hate _Zoro for, if Zoro loses. This is Zoro making a selfish decision, betraying Luffy, like you do for someone you love, when you hurt them, just to keep them alive.

Hell it may be, red and raw and screaming, but it is simple enough for Zoro to accept, as long as Luffy is _alive_.

When Zoro opens his eyes, face-down in Elysium fields, he is magically, blessedly pain free. Someone above him sighs exasperatedly.

Zoro rolls onto his back. Kuina looks down at him, her mouth twisted in annoyance. She hasn't aged a day.

Well she wouldn't've, would she?

"Hey," Zoro says, weakly.

"Get up," she demands.

Zoro is not going to be ordered around by a child, and anyway his limbs are heavy with sleep and contentment. He lets his eyes slip closed.

Something pokes him roughly in the side. Grumbling, Zoro opens his eyes again. He squints at the small, angry girl towering above him, haloed by the bright sun and the beautiful, endless, blue sky.

Kuina jabs at him again, with her sheathed white sword.

"Where did you get that?" Zoro objects, reaching out for the sword with a slow, clumsy arm.

Kuina evades him easily.

"Get up," she repeats. "Get up and fight."

"It's over," Zoro says, using his arm to shield his eyes from the brightness. "You won, at the last."

"Dying isn't winning, get the fuck up."

Zoro struggles to sit upright, if only so Kuina will stop whacking him with her sword.

"Death is the end of everything," he says, and it sounds whiny even to his own ears.

"Legends don't die." Kuina stamps her foot. "Get out there and make me one."

"All legends are born in death," Zoro says, struggling to his knees and trying again, ineffectively, to grab the sword out of Kuina's grasp. He wishes she'd shut up. He doesn't want to stay here trading aphorisms for all eternity.

"You promised me," she says, "in the moonlight. You promised me at the graveside. And in blood and salt water, you promised your captain." Kuina points Wadō, its naked blade gleaming in the sunlight, at Zoro's throat. "That's three times you've promised."

Zoro stands up.

Dawn comes to Thriller Bark softly and forgivingly, chasing away the nightmares. The pink-clouded sky lights up, and the scarecrow of blood and bones that is Roronoa Zoro stands – and still breathes – on the torn ground. Each beat of his beleaguered heart pulses more red onto the dirt beneath him.

And this is how they find him.

* * *

_With regards to the way of death, if you are prepared to die at any time, you will be able to meet your release from life with equanimity. … Just accept that the worst possible fate for a man in service is to become a rōnin, or death by seppuku. Then nothing will faze you. (1-92)_

* * *

He survives, somehow. He's managed to freak out most of the crew, and piss off the rest, but he's alive. And Luffy's fine – happy to let history take the why and how of Zoro's near-death experience – and Zoro could not be more grateful. That's a secret he'll take to his grave, and he can trust Sanji to as well, despite the looks full of anger and worry the cook keeps shooting his way. So all-in-all Zoro's pretty happy with the deal.

Until a few days later, when Luffy rounds a corner too sharply and rams his foot into an inconveniently placed wall. He recoils backwards, pouting and hopping in pain, and stumbles into Zoro standing behind him. Zoro reaches out a hand to steady Luffy, and as his skin makes contact with Luffy's, a sharp pain blossoms in Zoro's own big toe.

It takes a moment for Zoro to connect the dots.

Zoro whacks Luffy over the head.

"Ow!" Luffy yelps.

Zoro knocks his fist more gently against the side of Luffy's head. The back of Zoro's skull starts to ache dully.

"What was that for?" Luffy demands.

Zoro is fucked.

"Being an idiot," Zoro says.

Zoro is _so _fucked.

Alright, so he can still take Luffy's pain. Once Zoro has calmed down slightly, it doesn't seem so bad. Maybe whatever Kuma did has lingering side-effects, some weird psychic connection between Zoro and Luffy. It's not bad – it might even be good. After all, how many times has Zoro wished he could take away Luffy's pain? It might even have a tactical advantage; when Luffy's exhausted, pushed to his limit, Zoro could bring him back with one simple touch. That sounds good – great, even. Now Zoro's almost hoping the side-effects don't go away. Maybe he wouldn't make a habit of it – Zoro doesn't want to knock himself out of commission on a regular basis, it wasn't _fun_ – but when it's necessary. It would be a hell of an ace to have up his sleeve, for the next time Luffy gets himself into this sort of situation (that is, unfortunately, a _when _not an _if_).

He should probably start looking into training techniques that improve his pain threshold. And if Luffy finds out, well, he'll deal with that later.

That plan evaporates even before they reach Sabaody.

Nothing much has happened in the week since they left Thriller Bark – a few small skirmishes with the local sea life and one lost marine ship, none of which Zoro was allowed to participate in, much to his frustration.

Then one afternoon Zoro notices Luffy rolling his shoulders and grimacing.

Chopper sees it too. "What's wrong?" he asks Luffy.

Luffy shrugs. "Dunno, aches a bit."

Chopper frowns. "From yesterday? That's unusual. Are you feeling feverish?"

"It's fine, Chopper," Luffy says. "Just some muscle cramps."

"You're rubber, Luffy," Chopper says. "You shouldn't get cramps, not from a small fight like that, and in any case they should have gone away by now. Maybe you should come to the infirmary-"

"Oh, look at that!" Luffy suddenly exclaims, bouncing around and clapping his hands. "Suddenly I feel fine! Wow Chopper you're a really great doctor!"

Chopper's confusion is tempered by his overwhelming bashfulness at being praised, and he drops the subject in favour of wiggling happily.

But Zoro's not fooled. He waits until evening, until Luffy's fallen asleep, sprawled across his bunk and snoring slightly. Then, gently, Zoro presses his hand against Luffy's bare shoulder.

Zoro lets out an involuntary curse as intense muscle spasms rip across his shoulders, and his knuckles start to ache. Luffy sighs slightly in contentment and flops over, but thankfully doesn't wake up.

Zoro makes a hasty retreat out of the bunkroom and up onto the deck. The skin on two of his knuckles has split, and are beading blood. His hands smart, like he's been in a fist-fight. The rest of his body aches in a way that only a long, hot bath will fix. But that's not the worst of it. The worst of it is the very minor burn along his forearm, where Luffy had gotten too close to the oven, _three days ago_. That sort of injury should have been long healed, especially on a devil fruit user.

Zoro sits on the grass with a thump, and puts his head in his hands. It had been fine when it was just Zoro's sacrifice to make, but now Luffy's at risk too. If Luffy's body doesn't heal properly-

Except it had healed. Luffy wasn't bruised; the burn had faded after half a day. But the pain was clearly having some kind of effect, building up and taking it's toll on Luffy's body, until Zoro accepted it into his own body.

_Fuck_, that was what Kuma had meant about accepting his captain's pain. Zoro had survived the first time, so he hadn't really thought beyond it, but of course Luffy's life wouldn't be so easily given. If Zoro didn't take the pain on himself, then it would just build up and build up in Luffy's body, until… could this kill him? That had been the deal – Luffy's pain in exchange for Luffy's life.

And the thing is, if his experiences so far were anything to go by, Zoro doesn't have a choice about which and how much of the pain he takes. It's an all-at-once deal, which isn't great, given that Luffy almost dies at a frequency rivalled only by Zoro's own propensity for near-death experiences. If those happen to stack on top of each other, Thriller Bark would be a picnic in comparison.

Zoro's hands fist in his hair.

Once is bad enough, but again, and again? Gone is the lingering hope that this might be temporary, not after this revelation, no way is Zoro that lucky. He'd taken the deal, and he had to pay up.

It's not the pain – it really isn't, even though the idea of Thriller Bark on repeat is, quite frankly, horrifying – it's that, fuck, Luffy is going to _kill_ him.

It's what Zoro would do, if someone tried to take on the pain that was rightfully his, his badges of honour and achievement earned in pursuit of his dream. And to add another facet to this shitstorm, Luffy is _captain_. That's the whole reason he can't find out about the Kuma deal – what Zoro _thought_ was the deal – because this is too fucking close to betrayal. Too close to 'Zoro, get the fuck off my crew' – and Luffy would be doing it for _Zoro_, too, that's the thing, to save Zoro from killing himself for Luffy.

Isn't that just great? His only choices are banishment, some kind of ritual suicide – or Luffy's death.

Zoro breathes out slowly, head still in his hands. No – his only real choice is to survive. He did it once, he can do it again, keep doing it.

In the morning Chopper catches Luffy on his way out the bunkroom.

"How's your-" is all Chopper gets out before Luffy interrupts him by clapping a hand on the reindeer's shoulder.

"Gone! Just needed a good night's sleep, and some MEAT! SANJI!" Luffy breaks off reassuring Chopper to chase after the cook.

"Well that's good," Chopper says to the world at large.

Zoro stuffs his faintly bruised hands into his pockets, and tries not to feel guilty.

* * *

_Revel in being discarded, or having exhausted all your energies in vain; only those who have endured hardship will be of use. Samurai who have never erred before will never have what it takes. (2-139)_

* * *

There was a side effect that Zoro had forgotten about, of Kuma's devil fruit. In taking pain, it _rejuvenates_.

"I feel _fantastic_!" Luffy yells. The words are doppler-shifted as Luffy rockets from one end of the ship to the other.

Zoro's on a fucking roller-coaster. Last night he'd jerked awake from one hell of a bad dream, involving Thriller Bark on endless loop, and Luffy looking at Zoro with eyes full of rage and fear. Now, with Luffy looking like he's ready to take on the world, for a moment Zoro actually wants this trade, would take it even without the threat of Luffy's death hanging over him.

Over the next week, he takes to brushing his knuckles across Luffy's skin at every chance he gets, absorbing a thousand small bruises and cuts. Anything to reduce the intensity when Luffy _really _gets hurt.

Then they finally reach Sabaody. They'd been warned it was a hub – apparently this meant that everybody and their crew converged on the archipelago at the exact same time as the Straw Hats.

There's a whole bunch of posturing, which Zoro is just starting to enjoy, when the fucking Admiral and his clone army show up. The first Pacifista is bad, enough that it takes the full crew to take it down, and by the end of it they're tapped out. Then a second one shows up, and some asshole with a giant axe, and Kizaru.

The crew is tired, Luffy's tired, Zoro's fucking useless. For the first time since Zoro's known him, Luffy orders them to _run_.

Just as they scatter, Zoro reaches out and catches Luffy's wrist, because he knows, he _knows_, with what they're facing now, that Luffy needs the strength more than he does. So when Kuma shows up in front of him _again_, like some kind of neutral alignment fairy godmother, Zoro's on his knees on the ground, and he's not moving.

_Got to stop meeting like this_, observes the small part of Zoro's mind that isn't consumed by pain and defeat.

"I see you have realised the full extent of the deal," Kuma intones.

Zoro would bristle, if his muscles were responding to his brain. Kuma must have seen him reach out to Luffy just now.

"Luffy's made of rubber," Zoro grinds out, because this has been bugging him. "He can take a lot more than a normal person." Now's not really the time to be hashing this out, but it's not like Zoro's going to get another opportunity to ask this question.

Distantly, Zoro hears someone call out his name, but there's blood and cotton wool clogging up his hearing.

Kuma manages to convey a shrug without actually moving. "He can."

"That doesn't seem fair."

"It is not. That was the deal – what does not kill your captain must kill you." Kuma moves one giant paw in front of Zoro. "But I do not lie or cheat. Our deal will be on hold until you and your captain meet again."

Zoro looks up in confusion.

"If you were to take a trip," Kuma says, "where would you like to go?"

The sound of Luffy screaming his name follows Zoro into oblivion.

"ZORO!"

* * *

_Lord Tokugawa Ieyasu's forces were overpowered in a certain battle. In the aftermath, people talked of the feats of his men with great admiration. "Ieyasu is truly a courageous general. Not one of his warriors was slain with his back to the enemy. They all fell forwards." A warrior's attitude is revealed even after his death, so take care not to bring disgrace to your name. (2-28)_

* * *

The lapping of water and the soft call of seagulls are the only sounds. There's quite a crowd, but they make no sound. They're all staring in horror at Zoro, posed like a crucifix.

_It's a swordsman's shame to show his back._..

Sunlight glints off the blood-covered blade that has just diagonally bisected him. Slowly, Zoro topples backwards into the water.

"_ZORO!"_

The echoing cry drags Zoro back to consciousness.

Perona, perched on a stool nearby, starts when Zoro jerks awake. Then she pouts at Zoro, as if it's his fault he surprised her.

"Not dead yet?" she says, faking nonchalance, twirling her ridiculously small and frilly umbrella.

"Fuck off," he manages to rasp.

Perona drops the cutesy act and pulls an ugly face. "Ungrateful," she spits at him. She claps her hands and one of her Hollows emerges from thin air and flows through Zoro's unresponsive body.

Zoro wants to die. Everything's fucked – the entirety of the Straw Hat crew ignominiously defeated; all those words of 'strength' and 'winning' for naught. Fate, with it's bullshit sense of irony, has landed him at the feet of the man whose skill with swords _still _made Zoro look like a toddler with sticks, and with Zoro in no better shape than the last time Mihawk had seen him – to whit, half dead. He wishes he was full dead.

Perona extracts the Hollow with a jerk. Zoro hates her with every inch of his being.

Perona looks smug in the face of Zoro's glaring. She wags a finger at him. "You can't do _anything_, remember. _I'm _in charge here."

Zoro actually laughs at that – a weak chuckle – because _no, not even close_, neither Perona nor Zoro has any fucking control over this situation.

Zoro closes his eyes to Perona's shrieking, and wonders how Luffy's doing.

When Zoro reads about it, his stomach hits the floor. He's trapped here, on Kuraigana, with Mihawk and Perona and his own weakness. And he can't even make it to Luffy to take away his pain like he wants to, as he knows every other member of their crew wants to. This will be the Straw Hats' suffering for the next two years, and it's fucking _Captain's orders. _The irony of it twists at something deep in Zoro's soul.

The next morning Zoro's prostrated in front of Mihawk, asking for the one thing – the only thing – he can do for his captain.

Mihawk regards Zoro with golden eyes, sitting on his lonesome throne, equal parts louche and terrifying. He toys with his wine glass.

Zoro feels like a failure.

"I'm impressed," Mihawk says, sitting up a little straighter, placing his wine glass on his chair's armrest. "Your entire crew suffered a most ignoble defeat, and you arrive at my doorstep half-dead – I suppose I have Kuma to thank for that."

_More than you know_. But Zoro doesn't say anything, head still bowed. Mihawk's already made up his mind, and he'll either agree or he won't.

"Your crew fell," Mihawk continues, "you fell, but you fell forwards. No doubt the rest of your crew is equally as desperate. And that they, too, continue to fight."

Zoro's gut clenches. He hopes they're all alright.

"And your captain." Mihawk leans forward. "He's caused quite a mess." Mihawk hums to himself, quite content to let Zoro stew.

"A man such as yourself," Mihawk continues eventually, "would only throw away his pride for another. Is your captain worth it?"

Zoro lifts his dark, burning eyes to meet Mihawk's cool, golden ones.

Mihawk smirks. "Very well."

* * *

_Lord Yagyū once said, "I do not know how to defeat others. All I know is the path to defeat myself. Today one must be better than yesterday, and tomorrow better than today. The pursuit of perfection is a lifelong quest that has no end." (1-45)_

* * *

Everything is a metaphor with Mihawk, a symbolism. He'd spend most of his time in soliloquy if Perona wasn't there to stop him.

Zoro knew what he was letting himself in for, but still. Mihawk won't even let him pick up a sword for the first month; says Zoro has to "learn anew to respect the blade."

He'd looked meaningfully at Kitetsu when he'd said that, but Zoro had chosen to keep his mouth shut. Kitetsu cared more about blood than respect, but Zoro was again the student, and Mihawk the Master, so Zoro would bow his head and bite his tongue.

Mihawk lets Zoro heal enough that it still hurts, just a little bit, to move, then starts the training in earnest.

Zoro spends his mornings of the first month going down to the sea with an empty barrel, which he then fills with seawater. Then he shoulders the heavy barrel on his back – sometimes Perona sits on top, if she's feeling particularly malicious – and hikes through the forest and up to the steep hill to Mihawk's castle. Then Mihawk makes him empty the barrel down a barren well – salting the earth – return to the sea, and repeat the process.

Mihawk claims this represents the burden of a man of the sea, but also the ultimate futility of his actions, which is bullshit. What it represents is Zoro carrying a piss-off heavy barrel up a piss-off bastard of a mountain, but Zoro can feel the burn in his shoulders, neck, and arms, so he does it without complaint, while Mihawk calls Zoro Sisyphus and trades insults with Perona.

What it also does is give Zoro a lot of time to think – certainly more time that he's had under Luffy's captaincy so far – and maybe he and Mihawk have more in common than swords, because it turns out that everything _is _a metaphor. There's an underlying theme running through Mihawk's training, and recent events in Zoro's life – and that's defeat.

When Mihawk does eventually allow Zoro to pick up his sword – sword, singular – there follows a series of fights where Zoro gets his ass kicked. Mihawk has a seemingly endless list of creative handicaps he enforces on Zoro, before proceeding to demonstrate just how Zoro's power pales in comparison to his own. It's ostensibly to train Zoro for a variety of fighting conditions, but Zoro suspects it's at least fifty percent because Mihawk has been alone on his ghost-island too long to not have developed perverse taste in entertainment.

Zoro's blindfolded – fair enough, there are plenty of situations where he might be deprived of sight – at night, for example.

He has one hand tied because his back – fine. _Two_ hands tied behind his back – sure, Zoro has a mouth for a reason, he doesn't know why Mihawk's bothering.

His legs tied together presents a real problem – and Zoro resents how funny Perona finds it. Mihawk smirks, but then he always does.

But the point is that every exercise reveals a weakness, some part of Zoro that fails, and not in a physical sense. Each time Mihawk trials him Zoro fails, and all of Zoro – his spirit, his pride, his id, his ego – all are systematically broken down, drawn out, defeated. And slowly – so slowly it's torture, this pain in his muscles and his head – slowly Zoro learns that Mihawk's trying to tell him that the path to defeating others is to defeat himself. Only in defeat, will Zoro _know _himself. Every crack that is broken open, exposed, and mercilessly exploited tells Zoro which parts of himself he needs to strengthen and which to guard.

The payment Zoro makes for this lesson is that Mihawk now knows the map of Zoro's weaknesses too, but Zoro's already indebted himself to one Shichibukai, what's one more?

Mihawk delights in a particular kind of training – his exercises are insane and creative, but they're all coloured by futility. Endless circles of building something, only to destroy it. Zoro wonders if this is deliberate, or whether Mihawk's doing it unconsciously – the great swordsman's own life coloured by the futility both of being the strongest with no one to fight, and of training the man who intends to defeat him.

* * *

_The Way of the warrior entails a rehearsal of death morning after morning, picturing one's life ending here or there, and imagining the most wonderful way of dying. Decide adamantly that one's heart is in death. This is all a samurai needs to concern himself with. It is demanding but totally achievable. Nothing is impossible. (2-49) _

* * *

Zoro goes through cycles. There are moments, when Zoro accomplishes a particularly difficult feat, and Mihawk doesn't actually _say _"Well done", but looks like he might be able to – in these moments, Zoro feels as close to the invincible nineteen-year-old he once thought he was. In these moments, he thinks he will survive Luffy's pain.

But each of these moments is followed by another example of where he falls short, when his self-defeat is really just plain old defeat and he thinks that he will die, that Luffy will surely kill him.

Perhaps Zoro's getting worse. Perhaps he's getting better, and Mihawk must make things harder and harder for him, but as the first year wears by, and most of the second, these moments of hope and victory seem fewer and fewer. Kuma's parting words now seem less like a challenge and more like a promise. Zoro accepts pain and defeat more easily – he does not cease to rise to Mihawk's challenges, but the goal is no longer to defeat Golden-Eyes, but to become strong enough to bear this curse Zoro's brought upon himself.

There's no honour in this. Zoro had promised not to lose again, to be there next to Luffy at the end. He'd promised Kuina to be the greatest, and Luffy had also inherited that vow. But Zoro had also given Kuma his word. So if Zoro survives, if he dies – either way he breaks a promise. But after reading about Marineford, he is absolutely certain now that there's no way out. No way that both he and Luffy come out of this still breathing.

So he takes his death into himself more deeply than he has ever before.

It's as if Mihawk knows this – he watches Zoro closely, though he cannot guess all. Zoro keeps the truth of his own death close to his heart, his one last weakness. Mihawk scowls at him and taunts him. The golden-eyed man casts accusatory glances at Perona, blaming her Hollows for Zoro's apparent apathy. He devises ways to push Zoro down, forcing him to stand again and again.

This is one lesson Zoro doesn't need. He stands, and falls, and stands again, and every time he falls, Zoro thinks of death. When Zoro misjudges the purpose of a feint, he bleeds out. Uneven terrain slips treacherously under his feet and Zoro breaks his neck. Distracted by an unexpected sidestep, the hilt of a sword crushes Zoro's skull. After each death, Zoro gets back up. As he cleans his wounds before bed, he also dies of sepsis, and when he wakes up in the morning and his muscles scream, he's being beaten to death.

The repetition breeds familiarity, which is close enough to acceptance.

Mihawk projects displeasure with Zoro's attitude. Zoro can't bring himself to care overmuch, as Luffy suffers the pain of losing his brother and enduring is own self-defeat, whatever form that's taking, separated as he is from Zoro by geography, time, and Zoro's own dumb actions.

Mihawk's morality is complicated, but no one would ever call him kind. He takes revenge on Zoro for Zoro's inconstancy to his own dream, for Zoro's secret affair with death that he refuses to allow Mihawk any knowledge of or control over. But even as Mihawk marks Zoro for the second time, even as he tattoos his victory on Zoro's skin, Zoro thinks only of Luffy.

As Zoro lies staring at the dark, roiling sky, he can barely summon the will to keep breathing, let alone move any of his muscles. His dead eye throbs and aches and threatens. If this is his pain, he thinks, what is Luffy's?

It is his death.

Luffy's pain is Zoro's death.

* * *

_In any case, just give yourself over to insanity and sacrifice yourself to the task. That's all you need to do. If you attempt to solve problems through careful manoeuvring, doubts will creep in and paralyse your mind, and you will fail miserably. (1-193)_

* * *

Zoro reaches Sabaody in record time, and the first thing he does is find a bar and its associated alcohol. Zoro hasn't had much in the way of a drink for the past two years. At first Mihawk had banned alcohol, then rationed it in some attempt at a reward system. There was even one mad moment when Mihawk had tried to cultivate in Zoro a more refined appreciation for the delicacy of wine. In the end, Zoro had had to make do with the occasional bottle of sake Perona smuggled in for him when she was struck by one of her rare and uncharacteristic sympathetic moods.

So when Zoro reaches Sabaody, he tries to make up for two years of lost time in one night, and as a result wakes up the next day tangled in the roots of one of the archipelago's signature mangrove trees, with the worst hangover he – and quite possibly anyone else – has ever experienced. It takes him a full two hours to gather enough consciousness to even sit upright, and he spends the rest of the day absent-mindedly getting lost while the last dregs of alcohol and headache drain out of his system.

Unfortunately the island is not that big, and eventually Zoro has to stop procrastinating and find the others. Even then he still manages to be the first one there, which is either impressive or pathetic.

Getting shit-faced hadn't helped. Even with the alcohol erasing all higher order thoughts from his mind, one word – one name – remained. And it still sticks there, in the front of his brain, on the tip of his tongue, as he wanders the island. Seeing Sanji, and Nami, and Usopp again puts an involuntary smile on his face, but even then it doesn't touch the name branded in fear and promises on his heart, not until He Himself walks through the door.

"Luffy."

To say Luffy looks the same would be inaccurate. There's the scar, for one thing, and Zoro has to resist the urge to say they match – resist, above all, the urge to _touch_ – because both scars represent promises but Zoro's going to _break_ his. And then there's the crack deep in Luffy's eyes, there at the back of his soul. Zoro's going to make it so much worse, just you wait and see.

Zoro hangs back. They meet up with the others, and set sail, and Luffy has plenty to occupy himself with – gossip, and new skills, and challenging Usopp to wrestling matches which Luffy theatrically fakes losing, while Usopp poses and air-kisses his own biceps. Luffy characteristically shows no interest in Zoro's missing eye – though the same cannot be said for the rest of the crew – because Luffy knows that the injury is not, in of itself, important (and knowing this, Zoro's whole heart hurts).

The problem is that Zoro can't touch Luffy. He _can't_. Two years of accumulated pain – of the supernova scar on Luffy's chest, of battles with Admirals and Yonkous, of intense and unforgiving training where Luffy pushes himself to his limit, over it, far past the tolerance of Zoro's mere mortal flesh. And Zoro is scared.

That's the bare-faced truth of it. Zoro's afraid.

It works for a while. A couple of days maybe, at the outset. Until Luffy's aches and pains start building up, like they did before, after Thriller Bark. At first Luffy shrugs it off, blaming it on training. But he's rubber, and he doesn't do training like that, and they've done nothing but sail under clear blue skies for two days. Chopper gets progressively more concerned, especially when Luffy starts involuntarily wincing from the phantom pain.

"I don't know why this is happening," Chopper says, frowning.

"It's 'cause I'm getting _old_, Chopper," Luffy says, mock sadly. He hunches over, clutching at his lower back, and hobbles around the deck, dramatically miming using a walking stick.

Usopp emits a bark of laughter and joins in the pantomime. He pulls his lips inwards, as if his own teeth have fallen out and he only has the gums left, and imitates Luffy's pose.

"Heugh, git off me lawn," Usopp says wheezingly, old-man voice, waving his own imaginary stick at Luffy.

Luffy dissolves into helpless laughter. Chopper huffs in annoyance at them both.

"C'mon guys, I'm being serious. Luffy's body shouldn't be hurting for no reason."

"It's not a big deal," Luffy says, at the same time as Usopp adds his own, "I don't see what the big deal is."

Luffy gestures towards Usopp triumphantly – _see, Chopper, _someone_ agrees with me – _and Usopp continues with, "Sanji gets muscle cramps after fights all the time."

"Sanji's human," Chopper says.

"Hey! I'm human," Luffy objects, stretching out the edges of his mouth abnormally wide and sticking his tongue out at Chopper.

Chopper levels a meaningful look at his captain. Luffy, abruptly realising what he's doing, immediately lets go of his cheeks and they snap back in place, making a noise like a rubber band.

"You have a devil fruit," Chopper points out. "And you're made of rubber." He throws up his arms. "I don't know why we're even having this conversation."

"Zoro's human and _he _never gets aches after a fight," Luffy says, blithely calling attention to a supposedly napping Zoro.

"Not that he _tells _me about," Chopper says darkly.

Zoro mentally wills himself invisible against the grass of the deck. Shouldn't his hair provide some sort of camouflage?

It turns out it's not so easy, to pitch yourself into death heart-first, just like that.

* * *

_The Way of the warrior is to be found in dying. If one is faced with two options of life or death, simply settle for death. It is not an especially difficult choice; just go forth and meet it confidently. (1-2)_

* * *

But Luffy – and by extension Zoro – is running out of time. Kuma's promise is there, and Zoro doesn't know how long he has left. The longer Zoro waits, the worse it will get. And Zoro can't be responsible for killing Luffy, that would actually be the worst thing in the world.

Zoro isn't a coward, he just doesn't want to leave.

He waits just a little longer, just until they reach and dock at the next island. He doesn't want to trap his crew members on board with a dead body. That night he steals into the bunkroom where Luffy lies asleep, stiff even in unconsciousness from the pain – growing bone-deep, now. Making sure to wrap Luffy in his blanket – not touching skin, not yet – Zoro carries his captain carefully out of the bunkroom, off the ship, and down to a quiet meadow not far from the shore. The night air is sweet with wildflowers as Zoro lays Luffy down on the grass, gentle as a lover.

Now that the moment of reckoning is here, he feels calm. At the Baratie, he'd felt swelling regret, and at Thriller Bark pure desperation. But it is confidence, now, that rules his movements as he kneels beside Luffy, bends over, looks into his captain's sleeping face. Perhaps there's a little hesitation, as Zoro's hands hover apart on either side of Luffy's face; he wants to apologise, maybe, but knows there's no point.

Then Zoro breathes out softly, and in one movement cups Luffy's face and brings their foreheads to rest together.

There is a brief second of sweet closeness, before the pain erupts. Zoro has enough presence of mind left to wrench himself away from Luffy, but a couple of stumbling steps backwards is all he can manage before the world goes white and searing.

Zoro takes the pain as it comes, limbs stretching impossibly as two years of pain fast-forward through him. His knuckles swell and his skin splits, and Zoro has no right to any of this, some of the pain sharp, some deep, some twisted and burning, and some secret; all of it borne once before and not his to bear again, but he has _no choice_.

It rips his consciousness from it's moorings but keeps him aware, enough to feel a bone or two physically snap. Zoro's legs abruptly buckle beneath him, and he falls to his knees – he doesn't want to, but his legs feel like jelly, like soft rubber, and they disobey him. Falls to his knees for the third time – sacrifice for Kuina, defeat for Mihawk, death for Luffy. He gasps, but his lungs refuse to bring air in, and his vision is nothing but splashes of white, black, and sun-blown red.

And then the last of it hits him, a climax of fire and lava that burns through the centre of him, sears his ribcage open, and stops his heart.

Zoro falls to the ground, where his blood has turned the grass into a red carpet of welcome.

* * *

_Victory or defeat is all a matter of chance. Avoiding shame is a different matter. Simply be prepared to die. Even if you see no chance of prevailing, just attack. You do not need any superior wisdom or prowess to do this. A heroic warrior does not concern himself with victory or defeat. Without hesitating, he whips himself into a deadly fury. This is when he understands; this is when he awakens from the dream. (1-55)_

* * *

He's back. The place feels the same – the grass green and soft, the sun uncomfortably bright. This time, he's expecting it, so he sits up before Kuina can speak.

"We've got to stop meeting like this," Zoro says dryly.

"You're a _fucking _idiot," she throws back.

Zoro holds his hands up, in a gesture that is half-surrender, half-shrug, which seems to enrage her. She whips the white sword out of its sheath – Zoro has _got_ to stop losing track of that thing – raises it about her head, and sweeps it in a graceful arc towards him, naked blade glinting in the false sunlight. Out of instinct, Zoro jumps up and raises his own sword, somehow there in his hand, to block the attack, but it's nothing more than a training sword, bamboo bound tight with twine, that splits and shears in the face of Wadō's fierce steel.

Zoro casts aside what is now a collection of bamboo shards, and dodges backwards as Kuina takes another swing at him.

"That's hardly fair," he complains. He's not unduly worried – he is _already dead _after all, but still. It's not much of a Valhalla if he's not actually allowed to fight properly.

Kuina narrows her eyes at him, and continues the onslaught, forcing him backwards with a series of rapid jabbing thrusts that is more fencing than anything else, and which was a skill she'd never learned when she was alive. As he moves backwards, Zoro almost trips over Kitetsu, it's blade shoved into the soft ground and its hilt sticking up invitingly. But Zoro barely has time to grab the sword and bring it up in a guard position before Kuina, moving supernaturally fast, flicks Wadō forward and disarms him, leaving him with his arm cast aside and his chest wide open, as Kitetsu spins through the air and disappears before it can hit the ground.

"Seriously?" Zoro demands. His wrist is bleeding, a red horizontal stripe.

"I've never liked that sword," Kuina says, lips twisted.

Zoro scowls back. "Am I going to get anything to defend myself with?"

Kuina shrugs. "I don't make the rules," then grins, all teeth and no humour. "It's your afterlife."

A sudden weight on his hip makes Zoro look down, and lo, there sits Yubashiri. Zoro draws the sword carefully, the lacquered handle nostalgic in his hand. The blade is clean and smooth, not a speck of rust to be seen.

Well that makes sense – a dead sword to fight a dead girl. Zoro shifts to a battle stance.

It's been a while since Zoro's been able to go all out on anyone. There's usually value in not revealing the true extent of your strength, but Zoro's got no reason to hold back here. Once he has a proper sword in his hands, he attacks fully. He's stronger, and quicker, and a smarter fighter than ever before – let her come at him. And Kuina does, with rage in her eyes and swinging to hurt.

Of course, ghosts have an unfair advantage. When it comes to it, so do figments of the imagination in the form of your long-gone rival, conjured up by a dying mind as a form of penance and the embodiment of regret. Kuina doesn't fight fair, and she doesn't fight real. She teleports any time he gets near, refuses to bear hits when he lands them, mirrors Zoro's skill, but moves faster and hits harder, for all that she's still the young teenage girl she died as. Still, Zoro refuses to give in; they clash, over and over again, and Zoro fights with increasing fury – how _dare _she judge him?! At least _his _death served a purpose – but to no avail.

It's not surprising, it's inevitable, when Zoro ends up disarmed, again, on his back, again, while Kuina holds a sword to his throat, again.

"We've got to stop meeting like this," she says, softly. Her voice holds no triumph, and her eyes are soft with sadness like they were they day Zoro dedicated his life to her, first in competition, and then in memoriam. His anger fades in the face of her regret, and he remembers that he broke his promise to her, too.

"There are things you can't change, Zoro," Kuina continues sadly.

As she speaks, the sky behind her ripples abruptly, arsenic white briefly streaking through the cloudless blue, and leaving streaks in Zoro's after vision when he blinks.

Kuina looks up, confused, and then, frowningly, back at Zoro. "No matter how strong your will is."

There's a belated roll of thunder, and then Zoro starts to smile. "I know," he says.

She adds, "And there are things your captain cannot change." The sky flashes again, the white a lightning crack, fearsome in intensity, and it's accompanying thunder is almost instantaneous.

"I know." And Zoro's smile turns into a full blown grin.

"Oh, for-" she huffs. "What?" she demands, all teenage annoyance.

"There are things Luffy cannot change," Zoro agrees, joy filling him. The sky pulses white again, the intensity of the light robbing their surrounding of colour. The thunder is now loud enough that Zoro has to yell to be heard. "But this isn't one of them!"

* * *

_Nothing is impossible. With single-minded resolve, heaven and earth can be moved as one pleases. There is nothing that cannot be achieved. A man's fecklessness prevents him from making up his mind. "Effortlessly moving heaven and earth" can be accomplished through sheer single-minded determination. (1-143)_

* * *

Zoro's hiding something from him, Luffy knows. When Zoro doesn't clap him on the shoulder, hug him, tap his arm to get his attention, Luffy notices, of course he notices. But he doesn't say anything. It's been two years, what does he know of Zoro anymore?

It's almost like Zoro's making a decision, and Luffy has no choice but to wait it out. Luffy can wait – he's learned some measure of patience in the intervening years – and for a while he was happy to give his first mate some leeway. But this – this is unacceptable.

When Luffy wakes up, it's dawn. He's lying on cool grass, his skin damp with dew, and he's feeling remarkably refreshed. This is odd, because when Luffy went to sleep, he was in his bunk on board the Sunny, and he was achingly stiff and exhausted, far more than he'd let on to Chopper.

Luffy turns his head and sees a figure lying next to him, and after a moment of incomprehension, a horrible sense of déjà vu grips him.

He scrambles upright, then immediately collapses back to his knees. He crawls over to Zoro's side.

His first mate is lying in a patch of grass so wet with blood it's coloured black by the rising light. One of his legs lies at an odd angle, and his arm is clearly broken, a sliver of white bone visible through the mess of blood. His skin is bruised, almost everywhere Luffy looks. When Luffy touches him gently, disbelievingly, Zoro's colder than any living body has a right to be.

Luffy frantically searches for signs of life, his mind black with shock. Zoro's chest doesn't rise and fall, and there's not even a whisper of breath against the soft skin of Luffy's cheek when he bends his face close to Zoro's nose and mouth. There's no hint of a pulse at Zoro's wrists or his neck – not when Luffy presses softly, and not when he presses hard. Zoro's eyes are closed, but when Luffy pushes the eyelids up, they stare back empty.

(This was the deal. Zoro's life for his captain's.)

A vicious howl of despair rips from Luffy, tearing his throat raw.

It isn't possible – this isn't possible. This is _Zoro_, Luffy's own, the unwaverable. There is literally nothing Luffy wouldn't do to stop this happening right now, a phantom hand taking Zoro without a fight, without Luffy there to go into battle with him, to fall beside him.

It's unfathomable, Zoro's shares the same life as he does, and Luffy refuses to accept this.

(And Zoro is, in fact, dead.)

There must be something he can do – Luffy _will _fix this, he'll share his lungs with Zoro, one of his kidneys, he'll tear his own heart in two if he has to. Eyes wild, breath shallow and fast, and with no real idea of what he's doing, Luffy grabs at Zoro's right shoulder and places his other palm flat over Zoro's still and silent heart. His hand is haloed with haki – not to conquer or intimidate, but to save, to grant life – and as it makes contact with Zoro's blood-stained skin, a jolt passes between them, jerking Zoro slightly.

(The price has been paid.)

It's not enough. In desperation, Luffy reaches into himself and pulls out all he can – his will, soul, life, and haki, everything he can reach. The hand over Zoro's heart presses down and Luffy digs his nails into Zoro's skin, trying to get through the flesh and somehow reach into Zoro's lifeforce, to bring him back. He pushes, and the air crackles with energy, as Zoro's body convulses more violently, head and chest jerking up and then hitting the grass with a dull thud.

(And then there are things that are stronger than death.)

Luffy waits, dull roaring in his ears, as nothing happens. With a wordless cry that's half a sob, he slams both hands on Zoro's chest. A shockwave pulses out around them, flattening the grass not already sodden with Zoro's blood. Zoro's muscles lock up under the onslaught – nerves lighting up, crazy with electrical signals – and the force of it arcs his back clear off the ground.

Zoro's eyes snap open.

Luffy's hands – burned red and streaked burnt black – grip Zoro's face, hard. "_Zoro_," he says, voice raw with terror.

Zoro half-twists in Luffy's grip, and his eyes close again – this time scrunched tight with pain – and he makes an awful animalistic sound from behind his gritted teeth. But his hands reach up to hold onto Luffy's wrists, and even though his grip is weak it's determined.

Luffy brings their heads together.

And Zoro keeps breathing.

* * *

_He also said: "At a recent gathering I declared that the highest form of devotion is 'secret love'. If one's feeling of love is confessed it becomes diluted. The original intention of love is to take it with you to the grave. There is a poem that goes, 'Observe when I am dead, my internal burning love for you, from the smoke ascending from my body.'" (2-2)_


End file.
